Sunday, December 12, 2004

Second Thoughts About Destroying Christmas

So I got distracted for a minute and forgot what we liberals were supposed to be working on this week. Fortunately, Concerned Women For America reminded me: we're trying to get people to watch this movie about that Kinsey guy, because it's the only way to spread porn and gay sex, and thereby reach our Ultimate Goal:

Kinsey's work has been instrumental in advancing acceptance of pornography, homosexuality, abortion, and condom-based sex education, and his disciples even today are promoting a view of children as "sexual beings." Their ultimate goal: to normalize pedophilia, or "adult-child sex."

Right, right, right. Got to remember to normalize pedophilia. Aside from kidnapping and mutilating family pets, I think normalizing pedophilia should be liberals' number one priority. Or possibly helping the homosexual activists attack Salvation Army bell-ringers:

When Target announced the end of the Salvation Army’s exception to the store’s non-solicitation policy, it blamed an “increasing number of solicitation inquiries.”

“Gee, could some of those requests be coming from homosexual activists, who have had the Salvation Army in their gun sights since the charity decided to uphold marriage and refuse to fund homosexual relationships?” asked Robert Knight, director of Concerned Women for America’s Culture & Family Institute.

Note: this is possibly the longest sarcastic sentence beginning with "Gee" in recorded history. But there's more:

“Perhaps the organizers of a campaign created as a parody of the Salvation Army were among them?”

“Celebration Army,” a proposed fundraising effort, had planned to solicit donations at Minneapolis’ Nicollet Mall and other Minnesota locations this Christmas season with kettles and bell ringers. Funds would go to Open Arms of Minnesota to provide meals to those with HIV-AIDS.

Our secret plan revealed! Isn't it deliciously evil? We want to feed the hungry and take care of the sick. Next thing you know, we'll be giving the thirsty something to drink, clothing the naked, and visiting those in prison, thus turning Matthew 25:34-46 to our own nefarious purposes.

It's like we're using the word of God to advance the homosexual agenda. We rule! But there's more:
Celebration Army was created by Charlie Rounds, president and co-founder of RSVP Productions Inc., a St. Louis Park-based travel agency catering to “gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender [GLBT] travelers.”

Hah! Yes! It's all a plan to send the homos on vacation! Feeding the hungry and sending the homos on vacation! These are our number one priorities.

But Jerry Falwell seems to disagree. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about this, because it's on a section of his website called Falwell Confidential, but I'm going to chance it. Jerry thinks our priority isn't Kinsey or gay vacations on the backs of Salvation-Army Santas; it's destroying Christmas.

The spiritual Grinches in our nation are accelerating their war against Christmas as never before.

I hate Christmas so much. And with all due respect to Concerned Women For America, Fox News seems pretty sure that destroying Christmas is liberals' number one priority. When Fox and Falwell agree, I'm afraid I'm leaning away from pedophilia and towards destroying Christmas. There just aren't enough hours in the day for both.
But adherents of this colossal effort to create a secular utopia have forgotten two significant realities:

1. Our Founders were men who explicitly embraced Judeo-Christian principles in the founding of this nation. Even those who were Deists openly recognized the need for the citizenry to fall to their collective knees and beseech God’s favor. They understood the need to recognize God in our Constitution, in our courts and in our schools.

Falwell's right, you know. The Founders thought God was so important that they mentioned him in the part of the Constitution that says what day it was signed:

Done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven...

See? It says "the Year of our LORD." Obviously the Framers meant "Separation of church and state is a bunch of crap." Maybe we shouldn't destroy Christmas after all, guys.

2. Our fellow citizens do not want a spiritual sanitization effort to sweep out all vestiges of Christianity from the public square. One need look no further than an AOL poll this week. An astounding 89 percent of respondents (as of Wednesday afternoon) answered in the affirmative to the question, “Should religion be included in public holiday celebrations?”

Absolutely astounding. Look, I know how important it is to all of us to win the war on Christmas. But I think we're going to have to bow to the will of the AOL-using community here. If we're not accountable to the membership of AOL, to whom are we going to be accountable?

So, good point, Jerry. Maybe I'll go back to pedophilia after all. After all, it's the Ultimate Goal.