Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I'm Missing Something Again

About this Raisin Bran Crunch commercial that they keep playing:

So the guy is sitting at his desk eating a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. And the boss comes by, and says hey, Johnson, didn't I fire you? In fact, didn't I fire you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that?

But Johnson can't hear his boss, because the Raisin Bran Crunch he's chewing makes a noise inside his head like a trash compactor being amplified through Neil Young's guitar amp. It's really quite unpleasant.

As I see it, there are only two conclusions here: either Johnson's boss stops by at exactly the same moment every day -- which seems unlikely; the boss seems to have been on a random stroll, not a regular patrol -- or, as I'm forced to conclude, Johnson has been eating Raisin Bran Crunch for at least four consecutive days.

Now, I eat Raisin Bran sometimes. And it always worries me a little bit that if you don't wash the bowl immediately, the leftover Raisin Bran turns into a sort of brown teflon coating which can only be scaped off with power tools.

So can you imagine what Johnson's intestines look like after four days of non-stop Raisin Bran Crunch? Between that and the soul-destroying noise of his own chewing, one imagines that Johnson is by now just a shell of a man, frail and disturbed, barely able to pronounce his own name without bursting into tears.

In a way, he's a perfect symbol for all of us who can't tear ourselves away from politics this Zero Week.

And the Raisin Bran Crunch, of course, is a symbol of Bob Novak.